25/07/2026
Hellohello, life hasn't been too kind in... a long while and dealt a big blow little over a month ago.
You know what, I actually don't mind opening up about this, because it is part of why I'm doing this.
Only those who know me personally know that my grandmother was THE mother figure and literal mother to me. She taught me how to bake, was able to correct my crocheting and knitting, and was ready to support any of my artistic endeavors. She also loved writing, but her partial blindness was a major hindrance. Before I could become a ghostwriter to her, I moved away and she later was diagnosed with Alzheimers. I'm sure that tells enough to most.
Her knitting was one of the first things to go, where it showed, when she forgot how to do something, and it kept getting worse. I have one of her unfinished baby booties here now.
At the beginning of June, we went to our hometown to vacay and go to a sales event. Went to see her twice in the care facility she had just been accepted into. Gramps had looked after her for years, but his strength was running out. Well, it had run out; he's a shadow of the farmer he was. Sleep deprivation over watching her T1 diabetes and her constant living in a memory land, his own partial deafness... How do you dare to sleep when you have to lock yourself and your wife in every day lest she wander off?
Anyway, we made it back north, had been back less than two weeks, most bags still unpacked... I go back to the doll room, having done dinner and whatnot, to 4 missed calls from grandpa.
I just knew. He wouldn't have called so many times, back to back.
Granny was gone. Mentally, she had been gone for years, but... It was still her, always kind and smiling, in a good mood, petting the toy cat and taking care of any stuffed animal, really.
It has been a gradual blow. It didn't yank the carpet under me in one go. It's the slipping carpet on the stairs. Yank, drop, stumble, catch, few steps, yank again... rinse and repeat.
At the funeral, I was torn between fully supporting my grandpa and wanting to support my dad and my youngest sister. So whenever I could, I would grab my sister into a tight hold, or squeeze grandpa's hand back. I arranged us to make a one last bouquet ourselves for Granny. She used to love that I brought home flowers. I bought some, but also my MIL let me take flowers from her garden plot.
I was the last one to leave, with my car's trunk packed to the brim with her clothes, fabrics, and yarn. So much yarn. I'm sitting here, wearing her shirt, trying not to break down.
I know I'm gonna go back to visit soon. It's just hard with no job, minimal supports, and rising prices everywhere.
I had to cancel a sales event. It was supposed to be today, and it turns out they arranged it indoors, at the hotel. On Monday, I didn't feel like I had it in me to go through my stuff and prep. I slept almost 10 straight hours today.
You are looking at my site like: You bought cork coasters and did all that work despite it all. Yeah, I did. As a way to try to cope. She was gone mentally, but she was still physically there. Now she's not. Grief isn't linear. Gramps says that after my uncle's funeral, it wasn't until after that things began to ease up. It was the funeral where I broke down, sweltering day, migraine, trying to keep myself walking. It's now, surrounded by her legacy of handcrafts, wearing her clothes... It's when it hits me. I want to create, but... I sit and do anything but. We would have needed this sales event. But I can't. Not right now. She passed on the 21st of June. It's been... a month. I'm exhausted. Nothing sticks but the tears.
I'll be back. Eventually. I just need more time.
Doubt anyone reads until the end, but... thank you if you did.
