13/04/2026
This was written back in 2010, before I became a mother.
A note long hidden, a message I never told anyone—
the pain that was forgiven, but never forgotten.
My father was called lazy.
Maybe he was.
But I saw something else too,
a man who stayed, not for us, but for his mother.
He wasn’t the father I needed,
but he tried in his own way.
And sometimes, his effort showed more in being a son than being a dad.
Because being lazy doesn’t always mean you are a bad person.
He even tried to change.
I saw it in the small things,
when he asked me for clothes for his interview,
when he asked me to bring his granddaughter for McDo treats.
Quiet attempts to become better…
even if it didn’t last the way I hoped.
But while he was fighting his own battles,
you were fighting him, through us.
And I won’t name you, or your place in our family.
Some things don’t need to be spoken to be remembered.
You saw the worst in him,
and we became the ones who carried it.
Our childhood didn’t slowly break,
it was broken apart.
Hit by hit.
Word by word.
You told us we didn’t deserve happiness.
That a good life was never meant for us.
And for a long time, I believed you.
I remember asking myself:
Do I deserve this just because you are at war with him?
Is this discipline… or something else entirely?
Because I still remember being 16,
standing there,
with a knife pointed at my face,
just because I woke up late.
And even now I wonder…
did you see a child then?
Or someone you wanted to punish?
Yes, you gave us a place to live.
But a home was never supposed to feel like fear.
When you had your son,
I never laid a hand on him.
I cared for him like he was my own brother.
I cooked for him while cooking for my own daughter.
I gave him the kindness I wished we had received.
But I still don’t understand…
is this hate you feel for us?
Or are you simply disgusted that we exist?
You made us question everything,
even our right to be here.
Did we ever deserve this?
Just for existing?
Why was there so much anger?
So much hate?
Why did it always feel like
you wished we were gone?
All of this was forgiven…
but never forgotten.
⸻Summer Scents
