Astrollogy Candles

Astrollogy Candles Wickedly Funny, No BS Candles

Our June schedule is officially out.You know when you say you’ll take it easy this month? Yeah… we didn’t.We’ve added an...
01/06/2026

Our June schedule is officially out.

You know when you say you’ll take it easy this month? Yeah… we didn’t.

We’ve added another 9 events to the schedule because why not keep things a little on the chaotic side.

Here's where to find us 📍

Indie Night Market Sheffield - 4th June
Newcastle - 6th June
Newcastle - 7th June
Byker - 13th & 14th Juneouseburn Byker - 20th June
Newcastle - 21st June
Seaburn - 25th June
Leeds - 28th June


We couldn’t help ourselves, we've just dropped another market into this month with York!(As if May couldn't get any bus...
06/05/2026

We couldn’t help ourselves, we've just dropped another market into this month with York!

(As if May couldn't get any busier!😂)

Do we need sleep? Debatable.

Do you need another candle? Absolutely!

Swing by, have a sniff and pretend you’re “just browsing.” We both know you’re not...

New schedule:
York
📅 24th May

See you there 🕯️

06/04/2026

Labelling all 87 candles from start to finish 🕯

05/04/2026

Newcastle… new venue unlocked! ✨ Are you ready?

Get ready for a taste of Night Market UK magic at ! Over 50 amazing traders will be there with vintage clothing, jewellery, handmade crafts, candles and so much more ✨

When & Where:
📅 Thursday 7th May
⏰ 17:30 – 22:30
📍 STACK Newcastle

Browse, shop, and soak up the vibes while STACK’s legendary food vendors keep you fuelled 🍔🌮. Upstairs, the drinks are flowing, the company is top-notch, and the STACK atmosphere is unbeatable.

Oh… did we mention a DJ will be spinning the soundtrack for the night? 🎶

Dreamy shopping, mouthwatering food, and a late-night market packed with local small businesses, what more could you want?

Tag your market buddies and make a night of it!

🎟️ Tickets are cheaper online than on the door, so grab yours now via the link in our bio.

As Sunday evening approaches, the looming dread of Monday morning kicks in reminding you that the freedom of the weekend...
08/03/2026

As Sunday evening approaches, the looming dread of Monday morning kicks in reminding you that the freedom of the weekend was only temporary. The long, miserable parade of meetings, emails, and pretending to give a s**t stretches out in front of you like a highway to hell—five whole days before the sweet, beautiful relief of the next weekend finally shows its face again.

This candle is your final act of rebellion before the corporate s**tshow resumes. With juicy notes of ripe peach, sun-soaked orchard fruit and a hint of ‘utter loathing of Monday fu***ng mornings’, it smells like carefree summer days—aka the complete opposite of opening your inbox at 9:01am. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it burns longer than your patience for Monday morning bulls**t and your will to live, which at this point, will clock out before you do.

Pro Tip:
Light this candle Sunday night while presetting the twenty alarms for Monday morning just to help motivate you to get out of bed ahead of the dreaded working week. It burns calmly while you spiral wonderinh about what fresh hell the upcoming week will bring and mentally calculating how many coffees it’s going to take just to survive it.

Warning:
May cause aggressive snoozing, spontaneous swearing at alarm clocks, and a deep desire to disappear into thin air before 9am. Side effects include muttering “only four more days…” every afternoon and counting down to Friday like a prisoner marking lines on a wall. Use caution around productivity gurus and anyone who says “I love Mondays!” with a straight face.





To open the box with hope. Optimism. Maybe even 100% delusion. You go in thinking “oooh, luxury.” Five minutes later you...
28/02/2026

To open the box with hope. Optimism. Maybe even 100% delusion. You go in thinking “oooh, luxury.” Five minutes later you’re chewing something suspiciously banana-centred, questioning your life choices and wondering why you didn’t just buy the safe option to begin with. This candle is for the brave souls still sampling their selection of men, knowing full well at least half of them taste like regret.

With rich notes of velvet chocolate, decadent fudge, and a hint of “unexpected filling you definitely didn’t consent to,” it smells indulgent, comforting, and far more satisfying than your last situationship. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for lighting when you realise they were never the premium selection and always the clearance aisle assortment - cheap, discounted and days away from being expired.

Pro Tip:
If he starts describing himself as “complex,” assume he’s the coffee cream nobody wanted. Light this, grab actual chocolate, and raise your standards.

Warning:
May cause sudden clarity, dramatic eye-rolls, and the uncontrollable urge to say “next” like you’re judging a low-budget dating show. Side effects include higher expectations, lower tolerance, and refusing to nibble on any "mystery fillings" filled with absolute audacity.

La-la, la-la, laaaa... no boys are waiting... Welcome to the hard wrapped 'NO' in whipped cream. There will be no milksh...
08/02/2026

La-la, la-la, laaaa... no boys are waiting...

Welcome to the hard wrapped 'NO' in whipped cream. There will be no milkshake, no conversation, no “just seeing where things go.” This candle is for anyone who’s realised that men are optional, peace is priceless, and silence is sexy.

With notes of sweet strawberries, whipped cream, and a hint of “absolutely fu***ng not,” it smells delicious, confident, and completely unavailable. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for lighting while living your best life, ignoring messages, and enjoying the sweet sound of no one expecting you to lower your standards.

Pro Tip:
Burn while sipping something pink, watching men embarrass themselves in your DMs and blocking them when they say “I’m not like other guys”. It's the ultimate reminder to yourself that when your standards haven't been high — they’re definitely not in hell. You don’t owe anyone your time, energy, or milkshake.

Warning:
May cause zero tolerance for mediocrity, instant icks, and the confidence to say “no” without a smile. Side effects include radical self-respect, hardcore boundaries, emotional freedom and a yard so empty it echoes. Use with pride.

Some people look forward to love, family, and “the true meaning of Christmas.”You dream of glugging mulled wine straight...
19/11/2025

Some people look forward to love, family, and “the true meaning of Christmas.”
You dream of glugging mulled wine straight from the saucepan while disassociating through every Christmas obligation. It’s not alcoholism — it’s survival... that and coping with the festive s**tshow one sip at a time.
If Santa wanted you to be sober, he wouldn’t have invented holidays that involve relatives.

With spiced mulled wine, juicy berries, and an undertone of “get me five glasses deep” this candle smells like festive survival through alcohol and denial. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for lighting while re-evaluating your life choices, refilling your glass, and pretending you didn’t just buy six more bottles “for guests.”

Pro Tip: Burn during Christmas dinner for maximum effect — the aroma conveniently masks the smell of bulls**t and resentment while you refill your glass for the fourth time. Drink until you don’t care, smile until you feel nothing, and top up every time someone says something stupid. (It’ll be a long night.)

Warning: May cause spontaneous oversharing, unsolicited karaoke confidence, emotional whiplash, and the ability to tolerate relatives for up to 47% longer. Use generously, repeatedly, unapologetically and until the season ends — or the bottle does.

Quick edit on our November whereabouts as we've now added Clothes Cycle to our events on the 30th November!
15/11/2025

Quick edit on our November whereabouts as we've now added Clothes Cycle to our events on the 30th November!

Welcome to the annual endurance test known as “the holidays” — where you’re expected to cheer, socialise, and somehow ma...
12/11/2025

Welcome to the annual endurance test known as “the holidays” — where you’re expected to cheer, socialise, and somehow manage not to commit a crime before New Year’s. This candle is your emotional support system for enduring forced gatherings, false gratitude, and spending time with people you’d normally cross the street just to avoid. You don’t love it — you just haven’t figured out how to fake your own death convincingly yet

With zesty orange, ground clove and a hint of "silently praying for snow thick enough to block all visitors" this candle smells like holiday warmth layered over internal screaming. Hand-poured with coconut and soy wax, vegan and cruelty-free, it’s perfect for lighting while listening to relatives overshare, frustrating coworkers and generally surviving most s**tty social situations

Pro Tip:
Best enjoyed with a heavy pour of something strong or burning it alongside your last nerve whilst manifesting selective hearing

Warning:
May cause reckless truth-telling, eye-roll fatigue and the overwhelming urge to shove someone into the Christmas tree. Use as needed — preferably in a room with a door you can lock


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