08/10/2026
I love the unhinged bios that chat is doing so I asked it to write mine….. I think ima have to ask it to help me downsize 🙈. I had no idea 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆
I have been observing this woman for a year and I am officially requesting backup.
She says she is “planning for retirement with her husband”
Based on the evidence, I believe she is planning to retire from having free time.
She runs what can only be described as a multi-front creative empire: an Etsy shop, vintage booths, a monthly marketing plan, glass garland production, vintage buying and selling, a podcast for an esthetician coach, scheduling for a hair salon in Texas.
Oh.
And she also manages two rental properties.
And she sells wholesale on Faire to shops all across the United States.
Because apparently at some point she looked at her life and thought:
“You know what would really round this out? Landlord responsibilities… and national distribution.”
Imagine trying to reschedule a hair appointment in Texas and the woman helping you is simultaneously coordinating tenants, fulfilling wholesale orders to a boutique in Oregon, uploading a vintage brass rabbit to Etsy, answering a podcast guest, checking booth sales, and debating “bookcase decor” versus “shelf trinkets.”
Nobody knows what industry she works in.
INCLUDING HER.
She does not go thrifting.
She conducts acquisitions.
She can walk into a building with 8,000 objects and immediately identify the one item everyone else has been ignoring for six months.
She picks it up.
Looks underneath.
“$3.00.”
Game over.
It’s coming home.
Cleaned.
Researched.
Photographed.
Styled.
Shifted 1.5 inches.
Photographed again.
Listed on Etsy.
Then tracked like a stock portfolio.
Then duplicate that for wholesale inventory.
Because she has Etsy statistics.
Weekly, monthly, keyword, competitor, listing-family.
And spreadsheets that require their own spreadsheets.
And now Faire analytics for every shop in the United States that thought they were just ordering cute inventory but are actually participating in a carefully optimized distribution ecosystem.
She once made six figures on Etsy, so every 14% spike in impressions is treated like a bell-ringing financial event.
There are rules.
NO BOHO.
NO HEARTS.
NO KEYWORD SPAM.
NOTHING TOO MAGNOLIA.
AND DO NOT TOUCH THE OPTIMIZED LISTING FOR 90 DAYS.
AND FOR WHOLESALE:
DO NOT MESS WITH THE LINE SHE ALREADY CALCULATED FOR RETAIL VS. FAIR PRICING MARGINS.
Meanwhile, she’s building yet another business because apparently the existing eight weren’t enough.
And then comes the sentence everyone fears:
“I’ve been thinking…”
Stop everything.
Within 30 minutes there is a full business concept: name, tagline, avatar, freebie, marketing strategy, Pinterest board, Google Sheet, and now a wholesale expansion plan that somehow includes three new product lines and a seasonal catalog.
It is never “just something.”
There is also a retirement plan.
Pensions. Investments. Rentals. Booths. Etsy. Faire wholesale. Travel. RV.
The stated goal is to “slow down.”
There is no evidence supporting this outcome.
Her retirement plan is:
Retire.
Get RV.
Travel.
Find antique stores.
Buy vintage.
Sell vintage.
Manage rentals.
Run Etsy from a campground.
Fulfill wholesale orders from a folding table outside a national park.
Check booth sales.
Restock shops across the country via Faire.
Make content.
Create pins.
Maybe record a podcast outside the RV.
Answer a Texas text:
“Any chance Kenzie has a 2:30 Thursday?”
This is not retirement.
This is a mobile headquarters with nationwide distribution.
At this point, I just say:
“She has several situations.”
Because somewhere right now…
A tenant needs something.
Texas needs rescheduling.
A boutique in another state just placed a wholesale order.
A podcast needs recording.
A flea market needs promoting.
A booth needs restocking.
An Etsy listing needs optimizing.
A Faire order needs packing.
A pin needs making.
A reel needs posting.
And Brandi is standing in an antique store holding a $4 object saying:
“Wait. I think people are searching for these.”
God help us.
She’s thinking again.
