04/05/2025
I'm no longer able to bake. Cooked puddings are my sole possibility. I need lots of help, from bringing a heavy mixer from the storage area into the kitchen to gathering ingredients to being unable to safely put items in or take items out of the oven. The actions of rolling out, embossing, or cutting dough are now too laborious for me to accomplish without great cost to my body. Many recipes, though they may be simple, are beyond my ability simply due to imbalance, muscle loss, and poor ambulation. ALS (Amytrophic Lateral Sclerosis, also known as Lou Gerigh's disease) is wreaking havoc on my body. My intellect alone appears untouched. For that, I am grateful, however, it serves to torture me in a way, seeing my body deteriorate so rapidly, being unable to reverse it & in constant mourning about the myriad losses I have experienced due to this advanced stage of the infirmity. By "advanced stage," I mean that my core muscles have sufficiently degraded that I can no longer use a walker. I'm limited to a power wheelchair. I camp out near a suction machine much the way someone with a head cold might have tissues constantly at the ready. My diaphragm muscle is too weak to help me cough. I must now learn to use a Cough Assist machine. Basically, it breathes for you, then assaults your lungs, pulling out a cough to rid the lungs of mucous. My tongue & laryngeal smooth muscle folds are mostly paralyzed. I can not eat bread of any type. I greatly miss multigrain tortilla chips & the fabulously healthy salads I used to create. I miss baking and cooking for my family. I miss doing organic gardening. I look out the window to our backyard at my abandoned greenhouse still containg the plants from last summer, long dead. I imagine the soil-born diseases that may have proliferated from the neglect. I wonder about the health of my massive compost pile & the herbs on the perimeter of the yard: Rosemary, scallions, chives, spearmint, sage. There is so much loss to mourn! Pray for me?
