05/29/2026
Texas Department of Transportation Unveils "Elmer's Lone Star Adhesive Infrastructure Recovery System"
TxDOT has officially launched the "Everything's Bigger in Texas Glue Program" after discovering Farm Road 170 was being held together entirely by Whataburger ketchup, oil money, and the sheer confidence that comes from living in the greatest state in the union (just ask any Texan).
Crews shut down the scorching highway for 14 hours while one worker in a sweat-soaked orange vest carefully dispensed industrial-strength school glue into the crack as twelve coworkers stood around providing "essential heat stroke prevention oversight" and arguing about whether brisket or ribs reign supreme. Traffic backed up for miles as drivers in lifted F-350s were assured the road just needed "one more coat and we'll have 'er done quicker than you can say 'Remember the Alamo.'"
Eyewitnesses predict the repair will last anywhere from "until the asphalt literally melts in this 107-degree heat" to "maybe through next Tuesday if a flash flood doesn't wash the whole damn thing into the Gulf." TxDOT then confirmed plans to completely rebuild the entire highway next year for a $2.3 billion project that'll somehow still have potholes anyway.
"We thought about using actual cement," confessed Site Manager Dusty, "but the Elmer's was on sale at H-E-B and we needed to get back to the truck for the AC before someone passed out."
The backed-up traffic included seventeen pickup trucks (fourteen of them Fords), six SUVs with "Don't Mess With Texas" bumper stickers, two oil field service trucks, and one California transplant in a Prius who everyone's honking at just on principle.
Texas: Where the roads are wide, the heat is deadly, and construction projects are bigger, longer, and more expensive than anywhere else—because that's how we do it.
