04/08/2026
The things about newborns I wasn’t prepared for
• they fall asleep mid-meal like they just blacked out at a party and then wake up 7 minutes later ready to continue like nothing happened
• they make intense eye contact while pooping. like, uncomfortably intense. soul-searching levels
• their sleep schedule is basically “what if we just didn’t”
• they randomly flail their arms like they’re trying to fight something you can’t see
• they root around your chest aggressively like they’ve never been fed but will do anything except latch
• they get the hiccups from literally existing
• they will scream to be held, and then immediately fall asleep the second you stand up like that was the only requirement
• they make weird concerning noises all night long but if you check on them they’re just fine??
• they somehow smell amazing and also slightly like spoiled milk at the same time
• they will refuse sleep with everything in them and then accidentally fall asleep in the most uncomfortable position known to man
• they stretch like middle-aged men with back problems
• they look shocked. all the time. like they just realized they were born and aren’t thrilled about it
• they act deeply offended by diaper changes like this wasn’t their idea in the first place
• they need you constantly but also have no idea who you are yet
• and somehow you’re completely obsessed with them
